Lifetime Movie: Stolen Women, Captured Hearts (1997)

Lifetime's Stolen Woman, Captured Hearts

IMDB

I just want to preface this: Yes. This is one of those 'Hot savage' movies.

            More complex movies can circumvent the wild romanticism of Native American history, but this is not a super complex movie, and I don't hold it to those standards. Sometimes, a girl just wants to get away from her fat white husband and meet a lean and mean Native American with a luscious mane of hair (said every romance novel ever.) ---> See the end of this post for some awesome romance novel covers.

            I remember studying a Victorian poem in which the writer describes his ideal spot: a hut in the the balmy islands of the New World, where he'd have a "dusky" wife and children. This movie reminds me of that poem, but for Christian American housewives who just want a hot Indian to take them away. I say Christian because the film team inserted the Bible into the film (a lot) and made it significant for the heroine, so I get to comment on it.

Holding a bible over your heart is actually a very useful way to stop a bullet in most films, so good job

            Very, very brief summary: It is 1868, a woman in a Midwestern town marries a man she doesn't know very well and is then kidnapped by Native Americans. One falls in love with her and she resists his really, really obvious advances (For a while) because she is married.

            I will stop there (spoilers!)

            Michael Greyeyes IS pretty hot (also Canadian, for an unrelated fact share.) I really want to know where that surname started in his family line. At what point did that name go from whatever language it started in to Greyeyes? 

Now, for my top five favorite parts!

1) Hitting on the redhead

Tokalah leans back to lounge on some furs and rubs the space next to him. "Anna," he says, smoldering.

            But what he really means is, "I would totally like to sex you up, but my English is limited and I've decided to just sum it up with some bedroom eyes and your name. What do you say?"

            She says no. She's married.

            And I would also say no too, but because I would not want to A) sleep with someone who kidnapped me, B) sleep with someone who I've known for only a few days, and C) end up pregnant. Then again, no one ends up pregnant in romance novels or movies unless it suits the plot.

            Give her a few days, dude! Wow.

2) Learning English

I am 5 years old and I will teach you all I know about English.
First lesson: The white man sucks major ass to everyone but white men

Imagine deciding to learn English for a girl and then speaking to her in that language the day you start learning it. Tokalash does pretty well considering the time limit. True, he drops some of those connecting words, but still - well done!

One of his first full sentences is "The white man is a son of a bitch," but they're not on friendly terms (him and the white man.) Learning English, like a sir. 

3) Slap-Slap-Kiss

Prime example of Slap-Slap-Kiss

I don't know exactly what she's saying here, but based on the Spanish subtitles, it's something along the lines of "You're a stupid, arrogant asshat."

Watchu say, woman?

This is him eating her face, a traditional Native American custom in the territory of Hallmark.

4) Every time the Sarah complains and is NOT killed

Sarah White, known as the Great Complainer of the Wild West

The Native Americans capture this girl along with Anna and she just begs to be killed throughout the movie. She has a word to say about everything, which is not a great method to surviving. And she tries to get Anna killed too. When the tribe leader tells your friend to make a cap or a tie out of some scalps, just sit back and be grateful it's not you. Don't advise her against it. 

"Don't touch that! It could be dirty!"

5) Smolder / Stare

Listen, don't underestimate the power to smolder. When I do it, I look like I'm about to attack you in a park. Tokalach actually achieves a wide range of brooding looks, which I enjoyed thoroughly.

Lasting impressions: Not a great movie, but I liked it anyway. The cheesier, the better. Besides, as far as bad movies go, I've seen worse acting. I love you, Tokalach. You and your inexplicably shaved chest.

---

<3 <3 <3 Romance Novels: The Half-Naked Native American <3 <3 <3

A short time into my hunt for Native American themed romance novels (because romance covers are always fun), I just went wild on the word savage in Google Images. Savage Heart, Savage Soul, Wild Savage, etc. Talk about the psychology of the Other. Also interesting, as far as unhealthy body expectations for men go, romance novels have it down pat. It pretty much seems like the authors used the same model for all these covers.  Note that none of them look at all Native American. Maybe a really good looking white couple joined a tribe and had many, many brunette children who they named Hawk, Eagle, and Wolf. 


So much muscle, so little hair. Native Americans must work out and shave a lot.


And if you enjoy this, I'd check out this page. Also, this one.

#whatshouldwecallcollege

Time perception during the summer:

Time perception during the school year:

First GIF via http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-winchester-gif?before=1343754393

#whatshouldwecallpeoplewatching

When I people-watch on my way to work every morning...


I think it's like:

They think it's like:

It's actually like:

Persuasion (1995)

Full Cast (IMDB)

This is one of my favorite Jane Austen novel adaptations.

It's one of the few movies that doesn't have Hollywood Syndrome, where beautiful people are cast to play the plain and average-looking characters. One of the victims of this Beast to Beauty transformation (and a big one) is Jane Eyre's Rochester.

Take the latest adaption for example. Even if you don't think Michael Fassbender is hot, you have to face the fact that most other people do. The actors who portray Rochester in Jane Eyre adaptions are often just roughed by the makeup department to crank up the Byronic aspect, and that only serves to make them hotter. 

ANYWAY, this tangent has a point. Austen did not write Persuasion's Anne and Captain Wentworth to be striking, and the actors are properly average looking. Ciarán Hinds brings great charisma to Cap'n Wentworth, and you come to think of him as attractive due to that (and his lovely eyes!) He also happens to have played Rochester in the 1997 adaption (And I thereby justify the above Jane Eyre rant.)

This was a quality adaption, with a great cast. Just be aware that it's been a while since I've read the book, and I've forgotten most of it, so physical appearance is where I end the comparisons.

Anne Elliot

Although Anne Elliot (Amanda Root) was excellent, I just LOVED the supporting cast members.

A) The Family

Walter Elliot enjoying Mrs. Clay's flattery

Corin Redgrave as Sir Walter Elliot, Anne's father, was excellent as the peacock of the family, and Phoebe Nicholls as Elizabeth Elliot played the shrill, self-satisfied daughter to perfection.  I really enjoyed the family and the details that fleshed them out. Walter Elliot's love for flattery, for instance. Its power almost attaches him, (as the Victorians would say) to Elizabeth's simpering friend, the widow Mrs. Clay (Felicity Dean.) 

Elizabeth Elliot was stick thin despite constantly appearing on screen with a box of chocolates. If I have any complaints, one is that I would have liked the actress to be a little chubby to reflect her rich diet and lazy lifetyle. Otherwise, I just distracted myself with theories.

Elizabeth (left) and Mrs. Clay (right)

As for Sir Walter Elliot and Elizabeth Elliot as a duo, they showed constant disrespect and disregard towards Anne, and raised the mindless Mrs. Clay far above her. Poor Anne had quite the family to deal with. Two of them were social climbing, class-worshipping jerks, and the other (Anne's married sister, Mary Musgrove, played by Sophie Thompson) was a hypochondriac. A loud, complaining hypochondriac.

B) More about the Elliots, the quarters

I wasn't a big fan of Anne's coral jewelry, but the costumes were good overall, and I loved those white-on-white rooms that the Elliots rent in Bath. They were so overdone and superficially grand, which is a great setting to represent the Elliots and their ambition.

C) The super small roles

I also enjoyed Mrs. Smith (Helen Schlesinger) and her maid / companion / helper. They play small parts, but I enjoyed them nonetheless. I'd totally take tea with them. They're among the few characters who give Anne the appreciation she deserves. Yes, the maid kind of looks like she should be running a brothel, but I'll take that over Elizabeth's upturned nose.

D) The Weasel

William Elliot

Lastly, I'm not going to deal out any spoilers, but there is a reason that Anne's cousin, William Elliot, (Samuel West) looks faintly like a weasel.

Fabulous Feature: Elizabethan Costume

Mrs Bertin's Jewelry Box: Dress of the Day: Elizabethan Costume: An Elizabethan-inspired dress with gold embroidery and a hint of the fantastical, featured for your viewing pleasure! This is an appropriate reblog for us as a site that features not-quite-historically-correct pieces of art (AKA movies featuring Gerard Butler and set in Spartan times where everyone is naked and Native Americans with shaved chests) that are nevertheless quite beautiful

#whatshouldwecallSparta

I was watching 300...

First Gerard Butler was like:

And I was like:

But then Michael Fassbender was like:

And I was like:

gifs via http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/300-gif, shineemoon.tumblr, http://vipvictor.tumblr.com/post/7726360085/michael-fassbender-gif-animation-from-300-edited, http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/supernatural+gif, crazy-jensenackles-fangirl.tumblr, 

#whatshouldwecallart

<< On my search for naked men in photos to draw from >>

When I can't find the nude reference photo I need on a respectable stock photo site, I'm like:

And I end up doing weird searches on youtube to grab a screencap out of desperation. Everyone is there for this:

gifs via http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/pride-and-prejudice-gif?before=1336673040, http://fyeahlostinausten.tumblr.com/page/4, http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/eric-northman-gif