The Snarky Victorian: 2014-02-23

Lifetime's Stolen Woman, Captured Hearts

I just want to preface this: Yes. This is one of those 'Hot savage' movies.

More complex movies can circumvent the wild romanticism of Native American history, but this is not a super complex movie, and I don't hold it to those standards. Sometimes, a girl just wants to get away from her fat white husband and meet a lean and mean Native American with a luscious mane of hair (said every romance novel ever.) ---> See the end of this post for some awesome romance novel covers.

I remember studying a Victorian poem in which the writer describes his ideal spot: a hut in the the balmy islands of the New World, where he'd have a "dusky" wife and children. This movie reminds me of that poem, but for Christian American housewives who just want a hot Indian to take them away. I say Christian because the film team inserted the Bible into the film (a lot) and made it significant for the heroine, so I get to comment on it.

Holding a bible over your heart is actually a very useful way to stop a bullet in most films, so good job

Very, very brief summary: It is 1868, a woman in a Midwestern town marries a man she doesn't know very well and is then kidnapped by Native Americans. One falls in love with her and she resists his really, really obvious advances (For a while) because she is married.

I will stop there (spoilers!)

Michael Greyeyes IS pretty hot (also Canadian, for an unrelated fact share.) I really want to know where that surname started in his family line. At what point did that name go from whatever language it started in to Greyeyes?

Now, for my top five favorite parts!

1) Hitting on the redhead

Tokalah leans back to lounge on some furs and rubs the space next to him. "Anna," he says, smoldering.

But what he really means is, "I would totally like to sex you up, but my English is limited and I've decided to just sum it up with some bedroom eyes and your name. What do you say?"

She says no. She's married.

And I would also say no too, but because I would not want to A) sleep with someone who kidnapped me, B) sleep with someone who I've known for only a few days, and C) end up pregnant. Then again, no one ends up pregnant in romance novels or movies unless it suits the plot.

Give her a few days, dude! Wow.

2) Learning English

I am 5 years old and I will teach you all I know about English.
First lesson: The white man sucks major ass to everyone but white men

Imagine deciding to learn English for a girl and then speaking to her in that language the day you start learning it. Tokalash does pretty well considering the time limit. True, he drops some of those connecting words, but still - well done!

One of his first full sentences is "The white man is a son of a bitch," but they're not on friendly terms (him and the white man.) Learning English, like a sir.

3) Slap-Slap-Kiss

Prime example of Slap-Slap-Kiss

I don't know exactly what she's saying here, but based on the Spanish subtitles, it's something along the lines of "You're a stupid, arrogant asshat."

Watchu say, woman?

This is him eating her face, a traditional Native American custom in the territory of Hallmark.

4) Every time the Sarah complains and is NOT killed

Sarah White, known as the Great Complainer of the Wild West

The Native Americans capture this girl along with Anna and she just begs to be killed throughout the movie. She has a word to say about everything, which is not a great method to surviving. And she tries to get Anna killed too. When the tribe leader tells your friend to make a cap or a tie out of some scalps, just sit back and be grateful it's not you. Don't advise her against it.

"Don't touch that! It could be dirty!"

5) Smolder / Stare

Listen, don't underestimate the power to smolder. When I do it, I look like I'm about to attack you in a park. Tokalach actually achieves a wide range of brooding looks, which I enjoyed thoroughly.

Lasting impressions: Not a great movie, but I liked it anyway. The cheesier, the better. Besides, as far as bad movies go, I've seen worse acting. I love you, Tokalach. You and your inexplicably shaved chest.

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<3 <3 <3 Romance Novels: The Half-Naked Native American <3 <3 <3

A short time into my hunt for Native American themed romance novels (because romance covers are always fun), I just went wild on the word savage in Google Images. Savage Heart, Savage Soul, Wild Savage, etc. Talk about the psychology of the Other. Also interesting, as far as unhealthy body expectations for men go, romance novels have it down pat. It pretty much seems like the authors used the same model for all these covers. Note that none of them look at all Native American. Maybe a really good looking white couple joined a tribe and had many, many brunette children who they named Hawk, Eagle, and Wolf.

So much muscle, so little hair. Native Americans must work out and shave a lot.

And if you enjoy this, I'd check out this page. Also, this one.